I'll Never Find Him

Last June, seven months after my husband's death, we moved 950 miles to live near my family.

While sitting on the beach this summer, my four year old son climbed on my lap. Whispering in my ear he said, "Now that we live in Canada, I will never find my daddy."

I have spoken with counsellors.
I have read books.
I have searched the internet.

But no matter how many times I try to explain death to my four year old son, he does not understand it. It seems as though he believes that at any moment his dad may just come home. Ben has looked for his dad at the zoo, has thought that every phone call might be him, and now thinks that since we have moved to another country that I have taken him further from his father.

Holding Ben close, I told him that his daddy had loved him very much. I explained that his dad became very sick. So sick that his body stopped working. He died. He now lives in heaven which is not on earth. We can not find him no matter how hard we look because he is no longer here.

Nodding like he understood, Ben rushed off to play in the sand.

How many times have we had this same conversation? How many more times will I explain the meaning of death to my son?