Speech Class

We had a difficult weekend. My eldest son, Matt, was miserable Friday evening through Sunday morning. He faught with his siblings, was generally antagonistic, and cried in the evenings when I chatted with him.

He is angry that his dad died.

Last night he came to me and said that he wanted to give a speech to his class on the subject of anger. Surprised by his comment, I asked him what he would say. For the next few minutes he shared a sort of sermon that he had prepared. In it he told me that everyone gets angry sometimes. He himself is angry and in anguish over his dad's death. (He has a great vocabulary!) He shared the Scripture verse that encourages us to not let the sun go down on our wrath. He told me that self-control is one of the "Fruit of the Spirit", and that we all need to strive to have self-control.

WOW! I was amazed. I'm not quite sure what happened that softened him. He had been so full of frustration and hate during the beginning of the weekend. So I am praising God for the change & sermon in my son.

Matt shared the speech with his class today. His teacher told me that he did a great job and that he was a blessing to her.

My dad is dead, and we can't find him anywhere!

Some day I will go back and share how my youngest son responded to the news of his father's death, but for now I want you to know that even after five months he doesn't seem to understand what it means to be dead. My youngest son turned four exactly one week prior to his dad's death. He is just too little to fully grasp the permanence of death.

About three weeks ago I(along with my parents) took my children to the zoo. We had a wonderfully exhausting day! It was a long metro ride, a long walk to the zoo, and a longer trek to see the animals, but it was fun. On the metro ride home, my youngest whispered to me. "My dad is dead, and we can't find him anywhere!" I was struck. Had he been looking for David the whole time we were at the zoo? He hadn't seemed to be thinking about anything other than the animals.

I responded by saying something like this, "Yes, dad is dead, and we will never be able to find him if we look for him here on earth. His body stopped working. He stopped walking, talking, eating and breathing. He died. He is now in heaven, and he is not on earth anymore."

Ben seemed satisfied. He immediatley started talking about something else. But I have learned that one simple conversation won't help Ben understand the permanence of death. We have had this conversation many times.

Just two days later our phone rang. I picked it up and began to talk with the friend who called. My youngest ran over to me. He was excited, and his face was all smiles. "Is that daddy?" he asked. "No darling. It's not daddy. Daddy is dead. He can't call us on the phone."

My eldest

My eldest son is nine years old. He is angry about his father's death. Last night as we talked before he went to bed, he shared with me that it is as though a timer has gone off in his head. As soon as his dad died, he stopped being who he was. He no longer feels like himself. He doesn't like the things he used to like, nor does he want to do the things he used to like to do. He hates school. He hates church. He hates going to the park. He hates to read. (He used to LOVE to read. He once told me his biggest fear was running out of books to read.) He said he finds everything boring. He told me that he no loger likes his sister, brother or me. He cried as he told me he feels like a horrible person.

I struggle to know what to say to my son as he shares his feelings with me. I told him that he wasn't a horrible person, but that he was a hurting person. Hurting people don't want to be around other people or do things that take their hurt away. We love him even if he doesn't feel like he loves us.

I hate that I don't have a solution for him. I wish I could quickly make it all better.

Where to begin?

My husband died of a brain tumor in November 2009. Over the past five months, my three children have struggled to understand their father's death and work through their grief. I hope to record our family's journey through the grieving process.

Some of my posts will share what we are going through today while others will go back and tell of our grief during the first few months after David's death.