Do You Know What is Sad?

Running some errands with just my daughter gave her an opportunity to open up a bit. I am always amazed at how I never have to ask my children how thay are handling their father's death. When given an opportunity to be with me alone, they start the conversation.

"Mom, do you know what is sad?" she asked.

"What Lizzy?"

"My children won't have a grandfather.

I reminded her that her future husband will probably have a father, and he will be her children's grandfather.

"Yea, it will probably be easier to just have one," she said. :-)

You Could Get Hit By a Car

I took my eldest son, Matt, out for breakfast this morning. It was nice to get out and spend some time with just him. While we were driving home he shared that he was worried that I might die. I reminded him that I take care of myself. I eat well, exercise, and I plan to live a long time. (This is what his grief counsellor told me to say if this ever came up.) His response,

"You could get hit by a car."

Grrr....I just hate that my children don't have the same security that others do. They live with the fear that their remaining parent may die.

Later at bed time he told me that he feels like he misses Dave more than anyone else. He hates that his dad will never get to see him grow up, and he feels badly that he didn't spend more time with his dad. I reminded him how he and his dad used to play football in the basement. We talked about how they used to play David & Goliath. (Our own family game.) I shared with him how Dave used to hold him for hours bouncing him as a baby in an attempt to get him to fall asleep. I want him to remember the good times he had with his father and know that his dad loved him very much.

I'll Never Find Him

Last June, seven months after my husband's death, we moved 950 miles to live near my family.

While sitting on the beach this summer, my four year old son climbed on my lap. Whispering in my ear he said, "Now that we live in Canada, I will never find my daddy."

I have spoken with counsellors.
I have read books.
I have searched the internet.

But no matter how many times I try to explain death to my four year old son, he does not understand it. It seems as though he believes that at any moment his dad may just come home. Ben has looked for his dad at the zoo, has thought that every phone call might be him, and now thinks that since we have moved to another country that I have taken him further from his father.

Holding Ben close, I told him that his daddy had loved him very much. I explained that his dad became very sick. So sick that his body stopped working. He died. He now lives in heaven which is not on earth. We can not find him no matter how hard we look because he is no longer here.

Nodding like he understood, Ben rushed off to play in the sand.

How many times have we had this same conversation? How many more times will I explain the meaning of death to my son?

I will never be happy again.

"I will never be happy again!"

My nine year old son Matt, explained to me this week that because his dad has died, he will never be happy again.

I don't really have an answer for him. Glossing over his grief by telling him that he will evenually feel better seems wrong. I do not want to try to change his grief. He misses his dad. He should. The struggle is, I want to have a happy child. I want to fix him. I want to make everything better. Would that be denying him his feelings for his dad or in some way dishonoring his father?

I have a sad child. Greif is under all of his other emotions. Behind his laugh, hugs, and momentary happiness there is grief. His frustration, anger, and rebellion all are shields. It seems as though some days all I do is manage emotions, or try to create momentary bright spots for him. He is so often resistent to joy.

I Miss My Dad.

My youngest son, Ben, is my most verbal about his grief for his father. He doesn't grieve the way you might expect someone to grieve. He has never cried. He is not distracted, depressed, or despondent. At five years old, his little brain can't process grief the way an adult would. I know that he is grieving one of four ways.

1. He is cantankerous & agressive.
2. He will in the middle of a wonderful time playing, stop, turn to me and say, "I miss my dad," then go right back to playing.
4. He will be clinging and cuddly.
3. He will pray about it.

I love that he prays about his grief. Each night at bed time I get to hear what he is thinking about and what is bothering him.

One night last week he prayed, "Dear God, I miss my dad, but I am so glad that my mom is not dead. I am so glad that my mom is not dead."

How difficult it must be to live in such an unsure world. A world where the people you love and who take care of you suddenly disapear. He still doesn't understand the permanence of death, but he knows he doesn't want that to happen to me. I wish I had a way to reasure him. But for now, cuddle time, prayers, and routine are the only ways I know to make his little world secure.

Which aisle are the dads in?

I put my youngest down early on New Year's Eve, but let my seven year old daughter and nine year old son stay up to toast the New Year. (At 9:00pm) While we were drinking our sparkling cider in our fancy glasses, I asked my children if they had any hopes for the New Year. I was astonished at their response.
"I want a new dad," both of them shared. I was a little surprised and tried to correct them.
"No, No, I mean is there anything that you want to do this year or do you have a resolution?" I asked. Their response was the same. (I wonder if they had been discussing it because they were in full agreement.)I gave into the conversation and asked them where I might find and pick up a dad for them.
"At the grocery store," said Matt. Now wouldn't that be a fun aisle to walk down. Dads nicely packaged on shelves. You could pick one out, read through their list of contents, and compare cost. I am not sure why no one has thought of that before.I tried to explain to my children that I couldn't just find a dad for them. That relationships don't really work that way.

I haven't dated since my husband's death. I haven't really discussed the possibility with my children. So I was surprised when they brought it up. I know they miss their dad, but I didn't think that they wanted someone else to fill that role. I have tried to have them develop relationships with their grandfather and uncle. We even moved 950 miles so that my children would live closer to my family. But they still know they are missing out on a father. My daughter is now praying for one. (She also wants a sister.)

My parents were out to a party that evening, but the next morning when my children saw them, they ran up and exclaimed, "Mommy is getting married again!" (Yikes, I guess that conversation didn't go well.) I explained to my startled parents that, no, I wasn't getting married. The kids just wanted me to get them a dad. Again I spoke with my children and tried to explained to them that this wasn't something that they could decide. (I also encouraged them to not mention my getting married to anyone else.)

Later that day, I had lunch with a friend while her husband babysat my children. Can you guess what the first thing was that my daughter said when I arrived home? She pulled me aside and told me how much she loved my friend's husband. "He would make a great dad," she whispered. Looks like this conversation isn't going away.