My dad is dead, and we can't find him anywhere!

Some day I will go back and share how my youngest son responded to the news of his father's death, but for now I want you to know that even after five months he doesn't seem to understand what it means to be dead. My youngest son turned four exactly one week prior to his dad's death. He is just too little to fully grasp the permanence of death.

About three weeks ago I(along with my parents) took my children to the zoo. We had a wonderfully exhausting day! It was a long metro ride, a long walk to the zoo, and a longer trek to see the animals, but it was fun. On the metro ride home, my youngest whispered to me. "My dad is dead, and we can't find him anywhere!" I was struck. Had he been looking for David the whole time we were at the zoo? He hadn't seemed to be thinking about anything other than the animals.

I responded by saying something like this, "Yes, dad is dead, and we will never be able to find him if we look for him here on earth. His body stopped working. He stopped walking, talking, eating and breathing. He died. He is now in heaven, and he is not on earth anymore."

Ben seemed satisfied. He immediatley started talking about something else. But I have learned that one simple conversation won't help Ben understand the permanence of death. We have had this conversation many times.

Just two days later our phone rang. I picked it up and began to talk with the friend who called. My youngest ran over to me. He was excited, and his face was all smiles. "Is that daddy?" he asked. "No darling. It's not daddy. Daddy is dead. He can't call us on the phone."